21st Century Bogatyr: December 2022

Friday, December 30, 2022

Riding the Bus

by Zvi Baranoff

She elbowed me sharply as she pushed her way to the front of the line and climbed into the bus. The driver tapped the fare box to remind her about dropping some coins in.

She coughed and spit and then, in a strong Yiddish accent she said to the driver, "Oy! Money you vant from me?!? You! Don't you worry about squeezing a kopek out of me! Listen, sonny! If you knew vat I haff, you would let me ride without bothering me for money!" The driver shrugged and waved her by.

The bus was crowded. There were no empty seats. On the bus sat a man, minding his own business, reading the Forverts. This woman stood right next to him and huffed and sighed and moaned.

Then, she leaned into the man that was reading the Yiddish newspaper and spoke loudly. "Mister," she said, "you sit reading your newspaper without a care in the world! It's a shanda! If you knew vat I haff, you would get up off your tuchus and let me have a seat. Oy!"

The gentleman apologized and gave her his seat.

After a while, this same woman started yelling for the driver to stop the bus and to let her off. The driver politely stated that he could only stop at a bus stop and not in the middle of a block.

"Oy! Oy! Oy!" she yelled. "I must get off right now! If you knew vat I haff you wouldn't play games! Let me off dis bus NOW!"

The driver stopped the bus right there in the middle of the block. As she was climbing down from the bus, I just had to ask her one question.

"Hey, Lady! What is it that you have?" I asked her.

"Vat do I haff?" she yelled. "Vat do I haff? Vat DO I haff?!? You vant to know vat is it that I haff? Chutzpah! That's vat I haff. I haff a LOT of chutzpah."

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Heresy, Flimflam and Death

by Zvi Baranoff

It was valid for Der Profesor and Dovid to be cautious about the swirling rumors that they were fostering a Neo Sabbatai Zevi Cult, but probably not for them to be overly concerned.

There were the occasional uttered underbreath accusations of Apikores. No formalized charges were ever lodged. No grievances at all were ever brought before any rabbinic court. Generally, the discretion of their inner circle and the rabbis on the payroll were able to keep chatter about heresy and apostasy to a minimum.

A bigger ongoing danger to Dovid, Der Profesor, the corporation and the project was that the financial house of cards that they were building would collapse before the retrofitted Hatikvah was launched. It was essential for the viability of the project that investors were to be kept utterly in the dark. The financing was a total sham.

The investors wanted to reconnect with the Home Planet. In order to access investor gelt, that is what was promised to them. None of the money was spent for that purpose. Not a shekel was ever intended for such a foolhardy endeavor.

What the public was told and what actually was being done were very different. The corporation promised a dual-track strategy. One ship, investors were told, was to be sent on an exploratory mission, seeking out potential profits to be derived from nearby planets. A second ship, investors were assured, would be sent on a diplomatic and trade mission to the Home Planet, Planet Earth.

Adjacent to the Hatikvah stood another ancient ship. To all outward appearances both ships were actively being retrofitted. Supplies were delivered and craftsmen could be seen coming and going to each of the ships. However, mostly empty crates were delivered to the second ship and no real work was actually done on the interior of that craft.

The dedicated crew of gonifs and schnorrers worked diligently to make sure that the operation was funded. They were truly committed to the cause. They never let moral considerations get in the way of doing what needed to be done.

Secrets, of course, are difficult to keep. The more people involved in a conspiracy, the more difficult it is to keep it under wraps. There were hundreds of people involved in this operation. The work dragged on for a very long time. Nonetheless, the co-conspirators were a tight knit, intensely loyal group and there were very few leaks.

What probably helped the most to protect the financial reality and the true motives of the conspirators from too much scrutiny, leading to the flimflam becoming common knowledge, was Der Profesor's stellar reputation.

Der Profesor was, no doubt, one of the most widely respected people to have ever lived on any planet. Planet-wide, people knew and trusted

Der Profesor. They trusted him unreservedly and extended that unreserved trust to his associates, as long as Der Profesor remained visibly at the helm of the operation.

Der Profesor lived a long and productive life. We bless each other with the hope of one-hundred and twenty years. Few people obtain that age but Der Profesor came close.

Der Profesor was well into eighties when Dovid first crossed his path and decades had passed since that eventful day. There were signs of his aging and slowing down but Der Profesor remained healthy, cognizant and vibrant until the very end.

Der Profesor and Dovid were playing chess in the library. As usual, Der Profesor was winning. Most uncharacteristically, Der Profesor apologized for feeling tired midgame, excused himself and went to bed.

The next morning, when Der Profesor did not appear for breakfast, Dovid went to his room to check on him. Der Profesor was sitting in bed reading when Dovid let himself in. Der Profesor smiled wanly. "I have been waiting for you," he told Dovid. "I wanted to talk with you before I go."

"Going, but…" Dovid started but Der Profesor weakly lifted a hand to silence him.

"No one lives forever. I have lived a long life in this world and now I am ready for the Yeder Velt, the World to Come." This Der Profesor said and then he and Dovid were both quiet for a while before Der Profesor continued speaking.

"Do you remember the day that I first met you, when you were a little pisher that could barely dress himself?"

"Of course I do," Dovid responded while blushing slightly. "You straightened out my suspenders and tied my shoes."

"Do you remember what I told you that day?" Der Profesor asked.

"You said that I should always remember that I am smarter than my suspenders and that I should be careful not to fall over my own feet," Dovid replied.

"Well," said Der Profesor, "that is still true and that is the best advice that I can give you." Der Profesor closed his eyes and spoke no more. His breathing slowed and then ceased.

The funeral held for Der Profesor was one of the largest ever on Planet Birobidzhan. Der Profesor was buried in his family plot alongside his wife and near other family members including some of his children.

As far as the expedition planned for the Hatikvah was concerned, fortunately the time of launching was quickly approaching. The protective shield that Der Profesor provided for the operation was no longer in place. The grumbling of investors became much louder almost immediately after his funeral. Many were beginning to believe that they may have been swindled.

A few weeks later Dovid received a message from his mother. She needed to see him immediately. He put aside what he was doing and went to the family home. For years that house had mostly been occupied by his mother alone. His father came and went.

When Dovid arrived, his mother was in the kitchen. On the sofa, there was a body covered with a sheet. Dovid's mother barely looked away from the dishes that she was washing when she spoke. "I need your help arranging a funeral," she told him and she tilted her chin towards the sofa.

At once Dovid grasped that his father had passed away. He gave his mother a hug. "Of course, Momma, I can help with that," Dovid told her. "Should I stay here while we sit Shiva for Tate?"

Dovid's mother stopped what she was doing and looked directly into her son's eyes. Then she spoke without emotion. "I did not love that man. I was married to him so I am responsible for burying him. I certainly will not sit Shiva for him."

"You do know that he was not really your father, right? There is no reason for you to say Kadish for that man, much less tear your clothes and other mishegoss. But," she concluded, "we do need to bury him." She went back to washing dishes.

Dovid made all of the arrangements for the funeral. The funeral was attended by his mother, all of her children and a handful of her husband's ne'er-do-well dreidl-spinning gambling buddies.

After the funeral, babka, tea and schnapps were served in the family home. The gambling buddies left when the booze ran out and his mother sent the family off so she could, at last, be alone.

Dovid returned to his house by the airport. The house felt very empty now, with Der Profesor no longer there and most of his children grown and raising families of their own. His favorite daughter, Tamar, was traveling with the klezmorim. Dovid checked on his wives. They were both sleeping.

Dovid sat in his library. He drank whiskey by himself until he fell asleep.

This is not a Jewish story. It is, however, a story about Jews. One does not need to be Jewish to read this tale any more than one needs to be a Hobbit or an Elf to read Lord of the Rings.

This story is a work of fiction. The setting for this tale is in the distant future, on the far away Planet Birobidzhan. This planet was settled by Jewish exiles from Planet Earth.

The population of Planet Birobidzhan has been cut off from the Home Planet for a long time. They have developed their own unique culture, traditions and linguistics.

The language spoken on Planet Birobidzhan is primarily Yiddish. I have sprinkled a significant number of Yiddish words and phrases throughout the telling of the tale. I also refer to various Jewish religious and cultural touchstones.

To make this story more accessible, I have included a glossary of words and phrases in Yiddish and Hebrew that are used as well as some explanations of religious terms and holidays.

I hope that readers find this to be useful.

The link to the Glossary is here:

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/a-useful-guide-glossary-to-planet.html?m=1

פּלאַנעט ביראָבידזשאַן

Do you want to read more about Planet Birobidzhan? Here are all the installments so far, in the order that they were posted. Just click your way through the story!

1 On A Planet Safe for Yidden

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/on-planet-safe-for-yidden.html

2 Yenne Velt: A History of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/yenne-velt-history-of-planet-birobidzhan.html

3 Another Globe, Perhaps?

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/another-globe-perhaps.html

4 Bereshis: The Transport & Transformation of the Founders

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/03/bereshis-transport-transformation-of.html

5 The Town of First Landing

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-town-of-first-landing.html

6 A Personal History of an Early Settler on Planet Birobidzhan

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/05/a-personal-history-of-early-settler-on.html

7 Chickens, Jews Harps & Cronyism

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/07/cronyism.html

8 Dovid's Neshumeh

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/07/dovids-neshumeh.html

9 The Octogenarian and the Youngster

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-octogenarian-and-youngster.html

10 An Otherworldly Havdalah

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/08/an-otherworldly-havdalah.html

11 The Courtship & Marriage of Bathseba

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/08/the-courtship-marriage-of-bathseba.html

12 A Job, an Apartment & Two Honeymoons

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/08/a-job-apartment-two-honeymoons.html

13 The Pathway Into the Stars

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/08/the-pathway-into-stars.html

14 Abi Guzunt

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/08/abi-guzunt.html

15 A Dozen or So…

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/10/a-dozen-or-so.html

16 Tamar's Sketchbook

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/11/tamars-sketchbook.html?m=1

17 An Apologetic Interlude in the Galactic Tale

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/11/an-apologetic-interlude-in-galactic-tale.html?m=1

18 Tamar's Mushrooms

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/11/tamars-mushrooms.html?m=1

19 Intergalactic Travel Can Not Be Done on the Cheap

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/12/intergalactic-travel-can-not-be-done-on.html?m=1

20 Unauthorized Fire on Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/12/unauthorized-fire-on-planet-birobidzhan.html?m=1

21 Tamar and the Klezmorim of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/12/tamar-and-klezmorim-of-planet.html

22 Heresy, Flimflam and Death

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/12/heresy-flimflam-and-death.html?m=1

23 On a Distant Planet, An Apartment in the City by the Sea

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/on-distant-planet-apartment-in-city-by.html?m=1

24 The Girl with a Fiddle on Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/the-girl-with-fiddle-on-planet.html

25 Tamar and the Scholars of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/tamar-and-scholars-of-planet-birobidzhan.html

26 The Tropics of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/the-tropics-of-planet-birobidzhan.html

27 The Beaches and Coastal Shtetls of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/the-beaches-and-coastal-shtetls-of.html

28 A Pre-launch Reunion

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/a-pre-launch-reunion.html

29 The Launch Was Imminent

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/the-launch-was-imminent.html

30 Liftoff Into the Unknown

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/liftoff-into-unknown.html

31 Across the Void, Down a Wormhole & Into the Snow

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/across-void-down-wormhole-into-snow.html

32 Flourishing on Planet Shney

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/flourishing-on-planet-shney.html

Sunday, December 25, 2022

Tamar and the Klezmorim of Planet Birobidzhan

by Zvi Baranoff

The troupe of klezmorim that Tamar had joined was one of the oldest, largest and best organized on Planet Birobidzhan. They toured planet-wide, year round. They were well received everywhere they went.

Like most employment opportunities, the entry-level positions open to the very young on Planet Birobidzhan are unpaid apprenticeship roles. However, unlike other trades, there is greater flexibility among the klezmorim. A transition of roles within the troupe is far more fluid than among the bakers, shoemakers, bookbinders or other such trades where an apprentice is bound by a contract and stuck in a subservient position for years.

Tamar, like all the other chaverim of this troupe, started out mostly as a general roustabout. She built stages, hung posters, cared for the goats, tuned other people's instruments, cooked meals, washed pots, sang in the chorus and played her fiddle in the back row.

The klezmorim headed east when they left First Landing. They diverted from the highway as they proceeded eastward to set up their big tent in the many shtetls that lie scattered between First Landing and New Jerusalem.

Along the way, Tamar was quickly recognized as a virtuoso. In spite of being so very young, her musical talents propelled her into starring roles. She, in turn, achieved more comfortable accommodations than most. She rapidly graduated from a pup tent to a private caravan as the troupe moved about.

In spite of Tamar's status as a headliner and a top earner, she would always lend a hand with setting up and breaking down the big tent that served as a mobile theater and the stage on which the troupe performed.

Tamar was quite willing to assist in the loading and unloading of heavy gear. She would feed and water the goats that pulled the carts of gear. She was a wizard at troubleshooting the electronics of the sound system and lighting.

Tamar's unmatched skills with an array of instruments awed everyone. The songs that she sang invoked an otherworldliness. Tamar earned the respect and affection of the entire crew.

When they arrived in New Jerusalem, a record company brought her into the studio, where she recorded a solo album. The album garnered a significant amount of success. It sold well and the songs were played often on Planet-wide radio stations for many years. The royalties were deposited into a bank account that Tamar set up for that purpose.

The troupe, after an extended stay in New Jerusalem, meandered north and then westward, visiting the remote shtetls of those regions until they made it to the west coast. Then, of course, they followed the coastline south, entertaining the fishing villages nestled wherever a suitable cove offered enough comfortable dockage to encourage fishing.

Nearly two years had passed before they arrived in the vicinity of New New York. The troupe encamped on a plateau. In the valley below, the city of New New York was wrapped in a mist.

After settling in, and with no performance planned for that evening, Tamar went for a long walk. This was when she heard the Mushrooms of Planet Birobidzhan once again calling her.

Tamar came upon a fresh bloom of mushrooms. She ate some of the fleshy fungus and sat alone as the sky darkened and the stars filled the night sky. Soon, the plateau, the nearby troupe of klezmorim, the mist, and the stars all faded for Tamar.

Tamar sat transfixed. She was oblivious to her immediate surroundings. What she saw, as if in broad daylight, was the city which was below her in the cloudy mists and blanketed by the darkness of the night sky.

New New York was a place that she had never even seen pictures of. In her vision she was shown that city in great detail.

Initially the perspective was an overview of the metropolis from above, transpiring with a rather dizzying effect. Then, the pace slowed as she was moving about through the unfamiliar streets.

In a neighborhood bordering the coastline the pace of the motion became a gentle floating.

Here, she saw a large Yeshiva and crowds of black-clad students milling about. Two rabbinic students momentarily came into focus. She saw their faces with utmost clarity. They seemed to be in sincere debate as they walked together down the street, their hands moved about gesticulating for emphasis and their payos swayed as they walked.

She was shown a prominent herbal apothecary with a glass display window and down the street a very inviting bakery. Adjacent to the bakery there was a door with a sign on it, although the writing on this sign was far too small for Tamar to read.

At this point the perspective spun outward until the city was completely obscured by a thick fog and the Mushrooms of Planet Birobidzhan directed Tamar's attention elsewhere.

Tamar watched New Landing and then Planet Birobidzhan regress in the distance from a portal as the craft she occupied was propelled upwards. She was shown unfamiliar constellations and planets.

Then, in what appeared to be a shipboard clinic, Tamar saw a rounded abdomen and raised knees and the encouraging faces of midwives. One baby and then another appeared in the secure hands of the midwives. In the mushroom-induced vision, two baby boys were eased onto her breasts and then the vision faded.

Tamar was still sitting in the same position, on the ground among the Mushrooms of Planet Birobidzhan, when sunrise brought light to the klezmorim encampment. She smelled food cooking from the mobile kitchen and heard the young roustabouts packing and loading equipment. The troupe was preparing to descend into New New York. Tamar went through the breakfast line and then joined in with the work at hand.

This is not a Jewish story. It is, however, a story about Jews. One does not need to be Jewish to read this tale any more than one needs to be a Hobbit or an Elf to read Lord of the Rings.

This story is a work of fiction. The setting for this tale is in the distant future, on the far away Planet Birobidzhan. This planet was settled by Jewish exiles from Planet Earth.

The population of Planet Birobidzhan has been cut off from the Home Planet for a long time. They have developed their own unique culture, traditions and linguistics.

To make this story more accessible, I have included a glossary of words and phrases in Yiddish and Hebrew that are used as well as some explanations of religious terms and holidays.

I hope that readers find this to be useful.

The link to the Glossary is here:

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2023/01/a-useful-guide-glossary-to-planet.html?m=1

פּלאַנעט ביראָבידזשאַן

Do you want to read more about Planet Birobidzhan? Here are all the installments so far, in the order that they were posted. Just click your way through the story!

1 On A Planet Safe for Yidden

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/on-planet-safe-for-yidden.html

2 Yenne Velt: A History of Planet Birobidzhan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/yenne-velt-history-of-planet-birobidzhan.html

3 Another Globe, Perhaps?

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/02/another-globe-perhaps.html

4 Bereshis: The Transport & Transformation of the Founders

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/03/bereshis-transport-transformation-of.html

5 The Town of First Landing

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-town-of-first-landing.html

6 A Personal History of an Early Settler on Planet Birobidzhan

http://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2022/05/a-personal-history-of-early-settler-on.html