by Zvi Baranoff
It was a very long time ago and very far away. In a shtetl called Brooklyn there lived a small boy named Moishe Pipik. Moishe Pipik was a good lad. He was smart and creative.
Although Moishe Pipik was an only child, he lived in a very crowded apartment. The apartment was situated in a crowded tenement building on a busy street in the very heart of Brooklyn.
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The apartment was small but maybe it wouldn't have felt so crowded if he lived there with just his parents. However, besides Moishe Pipik and his parents, his Bubbe, his mother's mother, also lived in that small apartment.
Even with his grandmother sleeping in the “spare” bedroom, the apartment might have felt merely cramped but the apartment was always far more crowded than that. It seemed that there were always some extra relatives staying there.
There were always some family members going through a difficult stretch, between jobs and without a place of their own. Sometimes there were several relatives staying at once. They slept on the couch, in the bathtub, and on the kitchen floor. Sometimes there would be a “guest” sharing his bed. A small child might be sleeping in the bottom drawer of his dresser. In the summer, a person or two slept on the fire escape.
Both of Moishe Pipik's parents worked a lot. His father was at a job six days a week. His mother “took in” clothes to repair, besides all the cooking and cleaning involved in maintaining the home. She had learned to sew from her father, who had earned his living as a tailor among other endeavors. Moishe Pipik's mother often worked late into the night, sometimes falling asleep at the sewing machine that she had inherited from her father.
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It really couldn't be said that Moishe Pipik's parents neglected him. They assured that he got all of the things that he really needed such as his daily meals and his weekly baths. Moishe Pipik's parents did truly love him.
What they couldn't provide the boy was all of the attention that he craved nor all of the things on his endless list of wishes and desires.
The other relatives filling the apartment to overflowing helped fill that void as far as his desires beyond absolute need was concerned. The neighborhood, as well, was crowded with people that were almost as nosy, loud and boisterous as his relatives. These neighbors watched out for Moishe Pipik, almost as if they were family.
Of all the relatives that frequently encamped at the family's apartment, often for weeks or months at a time, Uncle Morrie and Aunt Fannie were Moishe Pipik's favorites. Uncle Morrie was his mother's younger brother. Aunt Fannie, as near as he could tell, was actually a second or third cousin of his father's but she insisted on being called Aunt.
When Moishe Pipik was a little pisher, Morrie had been a merchant marine. Morrie traveled the world and would mail the family picture postcards from all the exotic ports where the ships docked. The postcards decorated the apartment, giving the place a low budget international flair.
As near as Moishe Pipik could tell, Uncle Morrie had some sort of job involving race horses. Unfortunately, the horses didn't always pay Uncle Morrie, which was a cause for friction with Moishe Pipik's father. Moishe Pipik figured that the problem stemmed from the fact that horses don't have pockets so the horses rarely carried money.
When the horses did pay off, Uncle Morrie would be quite generous. A couple of times he took Moishe Pipik to Coney Island, where they watched the skirts, ate ice cream on the Boardwalk and went to the Penny Arcade where Moishe Pipik saw the jumpy films of hoochie-coochie girls for the first time. Once, Uncle Morrie took the lad to the big museum in Manhattan to gawk at the dinosaur bones. Occasionally they would go to Ebbets Field to eat Cracker Jacks and Foot Long hot dogs while watching the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Nope. Morrie no longer shipped out. He did, however, tell elaborate tales of days when his travels took him to exotic places like Buenos Aires, Tangiers, Marrakesh, Havana and New Jersey. The stories of strange and wonderful adventures involved Eskimos, Bedouin, Gauchos, Pickpockets, White Slavers, Pygmies, Horse Thieves, Card Sharks and Indians. In those tales, Uncle Morrie was always heroic.
Uncle Morrie played checkers with Moishe Pipik. He also taught him poker and gin rummy.
The most wondrous and unexplainable thing about Uncle Morrie is that he would sometimes pull a nickel out of Moishe Pipik's ear. For no particular reason, at random and unexpected times, Uncle Morrie would draw the boy close, reach around and extract a shiny coin...and then, give the nickel to the boy!
Nothing pleased Moishe Pipik more than the feeling of a nickel pressed into the palm of his hand. He would smile broadly and then squeeze the coin in a tightly gripped fist.
Of course, a nickel would not remain long in Moishe Pipik's hand. He would run down the street to Finklestein's Delicatessen where he would promptly exchange the shiny nickel for the opportunity to fish a fat kosher dill pickle from the wooden barrel. The pickle barrel was nearly as tall as Moishe Pipik. With the tongs held firmly in his right hand, leaning over the huge barrel, Moishe Pipik would try to find the biggest and juiciest of the pickles floating in brine. Nothing pleased him more than exchanging a nickel for such a Heavenly Delight as a fat dill pickle.
When his Aunt Fannie would arrive, it was usually just before dinner time. She would be carrying a small suitcase and the clothes she wore would be crumpled and mussed. There would be a knock at the door. Aunt Fannie, standing there, would sniffle. Aunt Fannie would be holding back tears. She would sigh heavily, and shuffle her feet a bit.
Moishe Pipik's mother would also sigh. Then, his mother would usher Aunt Fannie in. No questions were ever asked. An extra plate would be put at the table. Moishe Pipik's mother would add some more water to whatever was cooking on the stove and somehow there was always just enough food to go around.
The first couple of days after her arrival, Aunt Fannie was always moody and outwardly unhappy. Aunt Fannie would say things to Moishe Pipik such as “Always stay a little boy!” and “Don't grow up to be like all those other men!”
When the mourning period for her lost romantic entanglement was over, Aunt Fannie's mood would improve and she would be upbeat and joyful. Then, Aunt Fannie was a lot of fun to be around and Moishe Pipik loved all of the attention that she showered on him, although he could do without so many hugs and a few less pinches. Moishe Pipik really didn't much like the smeared lipstick on his cheeks either, truth be told.
On the particular day in question Moishe Pipik awoke with a particularly strong desire for a pickle from the big wooden barrel at Finklestein's Delicatessen. He asked his mother if she would give him a nickel to satisfy his craving. She told him that she didn't have any extra money for frivolity. He was most disappointed but not particularly surprised.
Aunt Fannie was stretched out on the sofa. She was feeling very sorry for herself. She had a hot water bottle on her head and she groaned horribly, on the verge of tears. Moishe Pipik determined that there was no point in asking Aunt Fannie for anything that morning.
Uncle Morrie was sitting at the kitchen table. He was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and studying the Daily Racing Form. Moishe Pipik asked his uncle to look in his ears and see if there were any nickels hidden in there. Uncle Morrie grunted before taking a look. “I am afraid,” he said, “that the nickel mine is played out for now.” That was certainly not encouraging news.
Moishe Pipik always carried a rucksack to school, just like the other children of the neighborhood. In his rucksack, he always had a notebook, pencils, and a few crayons. Sometimes there was a snack. Always there was his small drawstring pouch where he kept his marbles as well as any treasures that he happened upon.
All the way to school that morning, Moishe Pipik walked in the gutter between the sidewalk and the streets. He kept his eyes peeled, hoping to spy coins that had fallen there. He didn't find a single one on that long walk to school. Moishe Pipik arrived at school, as he usually did, a little late and a bit rumpled.
Sorry to say, however, Moishe Pipik was not a particularly attentive student.
A typical day at Moishe Pipik's school went something like this. The teacher helped the children learn their Aleph Beis. All the children watch the teacher write the letters on the blackboard and they all copy the letters into their notebooks.
Everyone, that is, except Moishe Pipik.
When the teacher writes an Aleph א on the blackboard, all the children see an א but not Moishe Pipik. He sees a robot. The other children write א in their notebooks. Moishe Pipik draws a robot.
Next, the teacher writes a Beis ב on the blackboard, and Moishe Pipik sees a hippopotamus. The other children write ב in their notebooks. Moishe Pipik draws a hippopotamus.
The teacher writes a Gimel ג but Moishe Pipik sees a rocket ship preparing for liftoff. The other children carefully jot ג into their notebooks. Moishe Pipik carefully sketches a rocket on a launchpad.
School ended no time too soon for the boy. His craving for a fat kosher dill had not waned whatsoever during the proceeding hours. Yet, he was no closer to satisfying his desire, still lacking a nickel. Moishe Pipik dilly dallied on his way back home, as he considered his options.
Moishe Pipik detoured past the lot where the boys of the neighborhood would gather for games such as stickball, tag, mumbly-peg, and marbles. That day there was a circle of boys shooting marbles in the lot. Moishe Pipik joined in the game.
Marbles is a game involving both luck and skill. A circle is drawn on the ground, players place marbles within the circle and then take turns by aiming a slightly larger shooter at the marbles with the intention of dislodging the marbles from the circle. Any knocked free of the circle becomes the property of the player that has knocked them loose.
Moishe Pipik was fairly skilled at the game so evidently luck was not with him. In hardly any time, Moishe Pipik's drawstring bag was nearly empty. All that remained was his shooter, one cat's eye, a couple of very plain marbles, a button, and a pebble.
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From there, Moishe Pipik wandered about the neighborhood, scheming and dreaming and hoping for a pickle. Surely there was a way for at least one nickel to come into his possession, or perhaps even acquiring a pickle by some other means.
Then, Moishe Pipik remembered that time once when he happened to be in the alley behind the delicatessen when the delivery truck was there. The driver, for no particular reason, as if a miracle, just gave him a pickle. Well, lightning can strike twice so Moishe Pipik ran to the alley but of course there was no delivery truck there on that day.
What Moishe Pipik did find in the alley was a wooden banana crate. Well, it wasn't a pickle but it was a fortuitous discovery. It was just what the boy needed to fulfill one of his lifetime goals. Moishe Pipik hoisted the wooden crate onto his back, resting it on his head. In this way, Moishe Pipik walked back to his building and up the steps to his apartment.
When Moishe Pipik got home, he found his mother busy scrubbing the kitchen floor. Hardly looking up, his Momma asked him, "What did you learn in school today?"
"I learned about rocket ships and robots and hippopotamus…esses…ummm"
"Hippopotami, I think, is the plural, but I am not sure," said his mother. "Ask your teacher tomorrow."
“Okay, Momma,” Moishe Pipik responded. He headed, with his crate, across the apartment and out the window to the fire escape.
On the fire escape, Moishe Pipik went straight to work. The banana crate served as the cabin for the rocket ship that he had always dreamed of building. With some bits of wire, string, wheels, bicycle pedals, tin cans, and such, Moishe Pipik built a rocket ship like none other. He wasted no time, blasting off in his rocket ship that very afternoon, directly from the fire escape.
This is how Moishe Pipik became the first person to fly to space and land on the Moon, not that he ever received much recognition for that feat.
The flight went without a hitch and was much quicker than Moishe Pipik had expected. When he arrived on the Moon, he was greeted with much fanfare. The Moon People pulled out all the stops. There was a marching band and a huge banner with the words “Welcome Moishe Pipik” in great big letters. They all yelled “Speech! Speech!” The cheers were thunderous when Moishe Pipik took the stage and expressed his heartfelt appreciation for their kindly reception.
Moishe Pipik's biggest regret concerning that trip, however, is that he didn't pack a camera. Photographic documentation of the voyage would have certainly bolstered his claims about visiting the Moon.
Lacking a camera, Moishe Pipik made a few sketches in his notebook. Unfortunately, in all of the excitement, he misspelled the word “Welcome” on the banner. Also, in his excitement, he added a giraffe, an elephant, and a hippopotamus to the picture even though none of those animals were actually there. Sorry to say, his drawings were not that convincing.
Additionally, Moishe Pipik had asked the Moon People if he could take some cheese home. He was informed that he had arrived on a day when the cheese mine was closed for repairs. So, most unfortunately, Moishe Pipik had no souvenirs from his trip to reinforce his assertions that he had traveled to the Moon.
Moishe Pipik's return flight was unremarkable and without a hitch. He was back on the fire escape in no time flat. It was still hours before his supper would be served. Moishe Pipik's mother was at work by the stove, stirring a large pot. He tried to tell his mother about his trip to the Moon but she was much too busy to listen and shooed him away.
Moishe Pipik's Aunt Fannie was once again moping in the living room. His Uncle Morrie had gone to the racetrack. The boy still had the unfulfilled desire for a delicious kosher dill and he still lacked a nickel. He headed back out into the streets of Brooklyn.
Moishe Pipik knew what had to be done and he went about doing it. He moved with the intensity and purposefulness of a shark, approaching neighbors in search of temporary employment. To anyone who would listen, he explained how he really wanted a pickle from the delicatessen and therefore really, really needed a nickel.
Over the next couple of hours, Moishe Pipik swept sidewalks, steps, and foyers. He emptied a litter box and took out some trash. He weeded several flower pots and walked a dog. Somehow, even with all the efforts, the goal remained elusive. Moishe Pipik found himself in front of Finklestein's Delicatessen without a nickel to his name. He sat down on the curb, held his head in his small hands, and began to cry.
The crying started out as just a whimper but it graduated into a full-fledged Niagara Falls sort of downpour. The tears fell into the gutter and threatened to flood the entire street.
When Mr Finklestein looked out the big plate glass window of his delicatessen, he saw what assuredly was the saddest little boy in the whole world. Mr Finklestein wiped his hands on his white smock and walked out the front door of the delicatessen. The bell on the door tinkled as he left the building and crossed the sidewalk.
Moishe Pipik was absorbed in his very personal sense of loss and private misery. He took no notice of Mr Finkelstein until the man's rotund shadow was directly over him. Then, Moishe Pipik looked up. He saw the kindly shopkeeper through his bleary reddened eyes, and began to stifle his tears.
“What's the matter, my Dear Moishe Pipik?” asked the good shopkeeper in the white smock.
Moishe Pipik, gasping and nearly choking on his river of tears, said most emphatically “Today is the worst day of my life!” He then dropped his head back into his hands and began crying once more.
“Listen, young fellow,” Mr Finklestein said as he handed Moishe Pipik the handkerchief from his breast pocket. “How about you blow your nose, wipe away your tears, and come with me into the delicatessen. Maybe we can see what we can do to salvage your day. I have some experience with bad days. Maybe it won't turn out so awful after all.”
Mr Finklestein took Moishe Pipik's small hand and the two of them walked inside. Mr Finklestein set Moishe Pipik up on a stool behind the counter, near the cash register. There, they would be able to talk while Mr Finklestein could keep an eye on his store and help any customers that may show up.
“So, Moishe Pipik! Tell me all about it. What happened today?” This is what the shopkeeper said to the boy.
So, Moishe Pipik proceeded to give an account of his day. “This morning, all that I really, really wanted - all that I could think about - was a pickle. You know how much I love the pickles from your big barrel.” The boy gave the shopkeeper a knowing nod. Mr Finklestein returned the nod. Moishe Pipik continued his narrative.
“I asked my Momma for a nickel, but she said no. I asked my Uncle Morrie if he could pull a nickel out of my ear but he told me that my head was empty. That's how my morning began.”
“Hmm,” said Mr Finklestein.
“I looked for nickels in the gutter on the way to school but, no luck. After school, I lost my marbles…at least, most of them.”
“Then, I built a rocket ship and flew to the Moon. They didn't have any cheese because the cheese mine was closed for repairs and I don't have any photographs so probably nobody will believe that. My Mom sure didn't.” Moishe Pipik showed Mr Finklestein the sketches from the trip.
“Well, now…” said Mr Finkelstein.
Moishe Pipik put his drawstring bag on the counter as he began to explain the next phase of his very long day.
“So, I went to work to see if I could earn a nickel. Mrs Apelblum asked me to take out her trash. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me seven pennies.” Moishe Pipik put the seven pennies into a small pile on the counter.
“Mrs Bassowitz asked me to walk her dog. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me a dime which is much smaller than a nickel.” Moishe Pipik sadly placed the dime next to the pennies.
“Mrs Czernec asked me to sweep her steps. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me a subway token.” Moishe Pipik added the subway token to the collection of coins on the counter.
Mr Dannenberg also asked me to do some sweeping for him. He didn't have a nickel. He gave me three stamps.” The stamps were placed on the counter.
“Mrs Ehrendorf had me clean out her smelly cat's stinky litter box. She gave me three empty soda bottles.” These were in Moishe Pipik's rucksack and he placed them on the counter.
“Mrs Feldman asked me to pull all the weeds from her flower pots. She didn't have a nickel but she gave me two cookies and they were pretty good. Not as good as a pickle but better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I suppose.” Moishe Pipik smiled a bit as he wiped some cookie crumbs from the corners of his mouth.
Mr Finklestein patted Moishe Pipik on the head. “Let's do some math,” he said to the boy. Moishe Pipik grimaced. He hated math but he tried to be brave.
Mr Finklestein counted five of the seven pennies as he picked them up off the counter. “Five pennies, young man is worth a nickel.” He placed the five pennies into his cash register and replaced it with a nickel. Moishe Pipik's eyes brightened.
“This thin dime here doesn't look like much.” With that, he dropped it into his cash register and placed two nickels on the counter in its place.
“What do you suppose that subway token is worth?” Mr Finklestein slipped the token into the cash register and replaced it with three nickels.
“These are three cent stamps. That's nine cents.” Mr Finklestein placed a nickel and four pennies onto the counter.
“The soda bottles,” Mr Finklestein continued, “each have two cents deposits.” He put the bottles into a crate and put a nickel and a penny on the counter in their stead. Moishe Pipik's eyes widened.
Moishe Pipik began to count the coins, placing them into piles. Eight nickels made quite a stack. There were also seven pennies. Moishe Pipik happily traded five of those pennies for another nickel.
Moishe Pipik left Finklestein's Delicatessen with EIGHT fat kosher dill pickles wrapped in wax paper with brown paper wrapped around that and all placed lovingly into a paper sack by Mr Finklestein. Moishe Pipik held the largest pickle from the barrel in his right hand and ate it on his way back home.
By the time that Moishe Pipik had returned to his apartment, his family was already seated at the dining table. Moishe Pipik slid into his seat, next to Aunt Fannie. Aunt Fannie's mood had much improved. She squeezed the boy until he squealed and kissed him loudly on his cheek, leaving a significant amount of smeared lipstick on his face.
Uncle Morrie and Moishe Pipik's father had reconciled any ill feelings between them as Uncle Morrie had made a generous contribution towards the rent. He had also brought home a freshly killed chicken which Moishe Pipik's mother cooked and served even though it was a weekday and not Shabbos or a holiday.
Uncle Morrie and Moishe Pipik's father were sharing a bottle of schnapps. They each had a glass and the bottle sat between them. Moishe Pipik's father filled the cap - a thimble’s worth, perhaps - with schnapps and passed it to the boy. Moishe Pipik tossed the pungent liquid down his throat and gave a little shudder.
Everyone was having a fine time. Uncle Morrie refilled the cap and slid it across the table back to Moishe Pipik. He also gave the boy the bag of chocolates that he had bought for him on his way home from the racetrack, handing him the bag under the table.
Moishe Pipik ate his fill and then some of the chicken and potatoes that his mother served that evening. He stealthily chomped down the chocolates as well.
Moishe Pipik wobbled away from the table, quite satiated. The boy went to his room, taking the eight remaining pickles from Finklestein's Delicatessen with him. He sat in his closet, eating one pickle after another, and thinking that it had turned out to be the absolutely best day of his life. That is, until the churning sensation in his stomach began.
