A Strategy for the Yeshiva Takes Shape and Nes Opens a Pool Hall on Planet Shney

 

by Zvi Baranoff 

To establish any new shtot anywhere is a monumental task. To build a shtot in a remote and undeveloped region of the sparsely populated Planet Shney, centered around a prestigious religious learning center probably seemed to be a lunatic’s fantasy to many at first. It would have been inconceivable without the common vision that was inspired by encounters with the Mushrooms of Planet Birobidzhan. The inspirational visualizations alone, however, would have been insufficient for such a miracle. What brought the vision to fruition were the Talmudic wisdom of Baruch and Shmuli combined with the gambler's intuition that was Nes’ birthright. 

Baruch and Shmuli were chavrusa, lifelong study partners. They had brilliant minds and almost always approached any issues from an oppositional theological perspective. They argued about everything, drawing on the scriptures, the Talmud, and rabbinic traditions. Baruch and Shmuli framed any practical matter with an esoteric argument. This was exactly how Nes approached the design of his shtraymlekh, and the foundation of his marketing.

“Shimon the Righteous would say,” Baruch began to pontificate, "that on three things the world stands: on the Torah, on prayer, and on acts of kindness." 

Shmuli promptly countered, “Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel would say that on three things the world stands: on judgment, on truth, and on peace, as it is said 'Judge truth and the justice of peace in your gates.'"

The Great Sages, thought Nes, lived quite a long time ago and far away on the Home Planet. Perhaps that world stood differently than either Planet Birobidzhan or Planet Shney stand, he contemplated. If Nes were to distill his personal world to three essentials, to a three-legged stool on which to stand on, those legs would surely be enterprise, speculation, and the comforts found in a well maintained brothel. And, for now his world was deprived of all that he considered most essential. Nes kept such thoughts to himself, happily listening to Baruch and Shmuli arguing passionately over matters of no particular consequence. 

Nes’ spirit was warmed to be once again where Talmudic and Kabbalistic dialogue took place. This meeting turned out to be, indeed, the initiation of an enterprise that was surely the result of bashert und mazel. 

Rifka Leeba began her schooling the next day. Nes walked his daughter to her classroom every morning. Nes then sat in cloistered strategizing sessions with the school's two administrators over the following few weeks. His nocturnal wanderings ceased. His shloflozikayt had faded. He stayed home and slept through the night, much to Shprintza Freyda's temporary relief.

Soon surveyors were hired to determine the true nature of the valley that had only so far been seen in mushroom-induced visions. A hidden paradise with year round temperate weather and a hot spring was found, mapped, and photographed. 

After the survey was completed, an architect was engaged to design a spectacular yeshiva to fit the unique contour of the landscape. The architectural drawings were central to the pamphlets used to attract faculty and students from Planet Birobidzhan.

Letters were drafted to a wide array of rabbinic authorities on Planet Birobidzhan, offering employment at the barely imagined yeshiva as well as the cost of transportation and relocation for the rabbis and their families. Students were offered a full curriculum and extensive educational experience even as a faculty had yet to be hired and the construction on the campus was barely a thought. After all, it would be nearly two years before anyone on Planet Birobidzhan would know of the school and another two years beyond that before classes could conceivably begin. 

Two charitable funds were established. The first solicited donations for the construction of the campus. Baruch and Shmuli convinced most of the businesses of Moskve to place a pushke on their counters and donations began trickling in. 

It was immediately evident that fulfilling the dream to build a grand yeshiva and a surrounding metropolis necessitated a significant increase to the rate of migration from Planet Birobidzhan and that the gender demographics of immigration needed to be addressed as well. 

The second charity reached out primarily to the miners and trappers that worked for months at a time in the cold, desolate, and lonely region of Sabir. These men were urged to donate to a fund that would finance transportation for potential brides. Wives, it was presumed, would make their lives on Planet Shney considerably less lonely. Gold flowed in liberally to support that cause. Of course, Nes was able to use that gelt liberally, as he saw fit.

The method of trade between the two worlds was, if not quite moribund, certainly extremely complicated. Planet Shney exported furs, gold, and some other minerals to Planet Birobidzhan however imported little more than immigrants. The earliest of the shuttle flights were established as one way transportation for immigrants with the return flights utilized strictly for cargo. All of the ships were built on Planet Birobidzhan. 

The business end on Planet Birobidzhan resulted from an intricate balance of power. The Birobidzhan Pilots Association, operating as a guild or syndicate of sorts, designed, built, and maintained the shuttles and sold passage. They also oversaw warehousing and distribution of the imported goods. However, a significant percentage of the profits of the trade were earmarked for distribution between the stockholders and investors of the original Hatikvah expedition and the family members of those earliest emigrants that had remained behind on Planet Birobidzhan.

The paper Shekels of Planet Birobidzhan had little value and garnered mostly scorn on both planets, a currency of last resort. Much of the gold that was flowing to Planet Birobidzhan was now being minted into coinage, and the gold Shekels became the preferred currency there. However, gold is quite plentiful on Planet Shney and the coins certainly weren't returning and wouldn't have held much value if they had. So, trade remained awkward with much of Planet Shney profits tangled up in various holding companies and proxies on Planet Birobidzhan, as was Nes’ abstract wealth since he had emigrated. 

A creative workaround was needed and when one was devised, the logjam could be cleared. Nes put his mind to solving that riddle. In the meantime, with the help of his new business partners Baruch and Shmuli, he rented a property near the school where he could have a personal office. He installed two pool tables in the front of the building, and tables for poker in the back. The income from these diversions more than covered the cost of maintaining a private office. It soon became a healthy stream of income. 

A number of factors limited the immigration from Planet Birobidzhan to Planet Shney. Ship design determined the number of passengers and the scarcity of ships determined the number of flights. The ships were designed to be fast and efficient. Unfortunately, to increase the speed, the size was minimized. New designs of larger ships were certainly worth pursuing but the most immediate vector for increasing migration involved increasing the number of ships. 

The frequency of flights had been increasing over the years. By that point the ships were arriving monthly, up from every six weeks. Once a week flights were designated as an optimal goal. This particular logjam was clearly a matter that needed to be resolved on Planet Birobidzhan. The burden of the cost of transit rested entirely on the migrants themselves. The exorbitant fares were determined by business interests there and the prices have not decreased over the years. 

Nes determined a multi prong approach and empowered his proxies on Planet Birobidzhan to follow through in his interests. He realized that the filling of each flight required the selling of one hundred individual berths. Nes proposed that his associates charter the entire passage and negotiate a lower rate for buying in bulk and reducing the workload of marketing the bookings. He authorized them to offer passage with a small down-payment rather than the full fare at once. The balance could be covered with monthly payments directly to him on Planet Shney. Finally, he urged them to invest all of his profits from the fur trade into the operation.

This story about the mentshn of Planet Birobidzhan and Planet Shney is the continuation of the tale that evolved into a novel, The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan. 

The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan is in print and available wherever books are sold! 

The novel can also be bought, at a discount, through this direct purchase link:

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=6TtjgjBTrFtcK4tvxeCbUN4hTvy9rOoAq8aeNsNXURN

Here are the links to the rest of the story as it evolves and posted so far in the blog:

1 - The Miracle of Vilna on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-miracle-of-vilna-on-planet-shney.html

2 - Nes and Shprintza Freyda Spin the Dreidl on Planet Birobidzhan 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/nes-and-shprintza-freyda-spin-dreidl-on.html?m=1

3 - From Shloflozikayt to the Vision of a Marvelous Shtot 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/from-shloflozikayt-to-vision-of.html

4 - A Strategy for the Yeshiva Takes Shape and Nes Opens a Pool Hall on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/a-strategy-for-yeshiva-takes-shape-and.html

5 - With the Best Intentions, On a New World

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/with-best-intentions-on-new-world.html

6 - The Shliach's Flight to the Home Planet

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com

7 - Moskve on Planet Shney Grows Wealthy and Cosmopolitan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/04/moskve-on-planet-shney-grows-wealthy.html

8 - Vilna on Planet Shney, the Early Days

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/06/vilna-on-planet-shney-early-days.html

From Shloflozikayt to the Vision of a Marvelous Shtot

by Zvi Baranoff 

When the family arrived on Planet Shney, they were met by Dovid and folded into the accepting arms of family and community. A nice furnished house was made available for them. Both Nes and Shprintza Freyda were optimistic, confident of their mazel und bashert. Nes had particularly high expectations that were bolstered by his monumental sense of self assuredness and entitlement. 

For Shprintza Freyda, the pleasure of living in Moskve grew daily. The cultural opportunities abounded and she adored living in a shtot. Shprintza Freyda loved the market, the theater, the cafe where she drank strong tea and played chess, the wonderful library, and her husband's extended family. 

Nes, on the other hand, could not help but think of Moskve as quite provincial, a shtot that was barely more than a shtetl. Beyond a generalized feeling of being trapped in a backwater, Nes faced unanticipated business concerns that played havoc with his confidence, leading it to unravel, nearly to the point of total dissipation. 

On Planet Birobidzhan, Nes had a monopoly on the fur business with nearly all of the furs available being made into expensive shtraymlekh. These hats he marketed to the rabbis planetwide and their most dedicated followers. The deep historic conflicts and competition between the various rabbinic dynasties were a driving force for sales. The shtrayml designs each reflected philosophical, ideological, and Halachic positions to be promoted and manyYidden wore a shtrayml like uniforms or considered these expensive fur hats to be a battle flag of sorts. There are many competitive rabbis and lots of shuls throughout that world and Nes had traveled extensively and shmoozed in the rabbinic homes worldwide, engaged in stimulating Kabbalistic and Halachic conversations, and sold lots of hats. 

Planet Shney had no such web of competing religious authorities. In those early years of settling Planet Shney, there were only two shuls, the Niu Yark Shul and the Niu Yerushalaim Shul. Both shuls were in Moskve, which was the only shtot planetwide. The only other places where Yidden lived were tiny mining outposts that could barely be considered shtetls, scattered widely in the Sibir region. There were insufficient grounds for religious rivalry nor sufficient numbers of committed true believers to build a customer base for shtraymlekh. Besides that, furs were plentiful and everyone already owned a fur hat or two, although generally more utilitarian than the fancy shtraymlekh that Nes created. Therefore, for Nes, no stimulating esoteric conversations and few hats actually sold. 

The business quandary that Nes faced however, involved matters beyond Moskve or Planet Shney. Before leaving Planet Birobidzhan, Nes entrusted his business interests there into the hands of loyal employees. He expected a steady income flow from the enterprise he built on the world of his birth. A few months after arriving on Planet Shney, Nes learned just how complicated business transactions between the two planets really are. 

Since he departed Planet Birobidzhan, it seems that expenses went up significantly and profits plummeted, according to the regular reports he received on each incoming shuttle flight. Adding a further wrinkle to his calculations, the profits earned on Planet Birobidzhan were secured in trusts that were far more easily redeemed there than on Planet Shney. His nest egg grew but was largely inaccessible. 

Nes fell into a funk. Nes suffered with shloflozikayt, a pervasive sleeplessness without reprieve. He would go to bed at night with his wife but while she slept, he would fidget until he climbed out of bed, dressed, and headed out of the house. 

Nes wandered the dark and empty nighttime streets of Moskve, often humming a nigun. His fruitless persistent searching through the darkened Moskve neighborhoods brought him no relief. There wasn't a single pool hall or gambling den to be found in Moskve and there wasn't a real bordello on the entire planet. The layers of wool and furs protected him from the cold, but did not warm his restless heart or comfort his soul. The still unfamiliar stars and bright moons of Planet Shney seemed uncaring nearly to the point of mocking his situation.

It was on one such night, as Nes was walking in the wooded outskirts of Moskve, that he came upon mushrooms growing in a circle, the ones we know of as the Mushrooms of Planet Birobidzhan. Although there was only a sliver of a moon visible and clouds obscuring much of the sky, the mushrooms shimmered and glowed. Nes heard a humming, much like a nigun drawing him to the mushrooms. When he stepped inside the circle, one mushroom spoke directly to Nes in a voice that he alone could hear, directing him to eat of its flesh. Nes uttered a barucha and took a bite of the mushroom.

A most uncharacteristic calm came over Nes, a quietness like none that he had ever known. He sat comfortably on the hard cold ground. A stillness enveloped him. That dark night, Nes saw a hand stretching before him holding a scroll. The scroll unfurled before him, the calligraphed letters sparkling. A voice that wasn't a voice spoke directly to his inner being. "Son of Man”, it said, “open your mouth and eat what is offered. Son of Man, feed your stomach and fill your belly with the scroll that I give you." 

Nes sat spellbound as he watched galaxies unfold before his eyes at a fast pace. The images were dizzying. Then, as if a curtain had been lifted, he saw Planet Shney as if from the back of a great soaring bird. First he was shown the broad region of Sabir, the mostly frozen high plains and forested mountains to the northeast of Moskve and the scattered mining shtetls. Then, he was presented with a view to the south and west of the somewhat more temperate but still undeveloped region known as Eyropa. The perspective settled on a hilltop and he looked into the valley below, where a spring burbled surrounded by palm trees, a warm oasis on the otherwise cold world. In phases like stop-gap photography a shtot grew in that valley, as Nes watched. 

Hours passed and the edge of the sky was beginning to lighten when Nes was once again aware of his presence, sitting on the ground within a circle of mushrooms on the outer edge of Moskve on Planet Shney. The roosters of Moskve had already begun davening their version of Shacharis, the persistent kukuriku call and response that declares the coming sunrise. Nes was cold and his legs were stiff. He stretched and rubbed himself before standing and walking home. Nes slipped into bed beside his sleeping wife and managed an hour or so of deep rest before morning began in earnest. 

It was a few days later that Nes went to the school operated by Reb Baruch and Reb Shmuli. He was there to enroll his daughter, Rifka Leeba. When Nes entered the school office, he was drawn to a marvelous three-dimensional map that was on display there, almost forgetting the intended purpose of his visit. 

Baruch and Shmuli had arrived on the first of the shuttle flights after the original settlement of Planet Shney by the pioneering passengers of the Hatikvah. Baruch and Shmuli had been yeshiva students and then teachers on Planet Birobidzhan in the Seaside Mea Shearim neighborhood of Niu Niu Yark. They were guardedly independent rabbis. Their school was located on a prominent Moskve street purposefully halfway between the Niu Yark Shul and the Niu Yerushalaim Shul. Nearly all of the children of Moskve attended this school. 

Most of the immigrant passengers on the shuttles came with the intention of seeking wealth mining or trapping in Sabir, so were predominantly men. The few women were wives accompanying their husbands or traveling in order to join a husband that preceded them to Planet Shney. Baruch and Shmuli were the only rabbis to arrive on that first flight. The subsequent shuttles that arrived at approximately six week intervals, each with one hundred passengers, included very few rabbis. 

Besides founding the school, Baruch and Shmuli established a business that sold basic supplies for miners and trappers, including extensively detailed maps. They also contracted supplies of lumber for builders and operated as a real estate agency as well. 

Upon entering that office, Nes stared at the raised-relief map for a minute before speaking. Then, he pointed to a particular valley and said, “There is a hot spring here and an oasis.” Both Baruch and Shmuli nodded. “And someday there will be a marvelous shtot there,” Nes continued. 

“You have seen this as well!” Shmuli replied. All three men shared an awareness. Bashert was that these three together were set to dramatically alter the path of development of Planet Shney. 

This story about the mentshn of Planet Birobidzhan and Planet Shney is the continuation of the tale that evolved into a novel, The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan. 

The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan is in print and available wherever books are sold! 

The novel can also be bought, at a discount, through this direct purchase link:

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=6TtjgjBTrFtcK4tvxeCbUN4hTvy9rOoAq8aeNsNXURN

Here are the links to the rest of the story as it evolves and posted so far in the blog:

1 - The Miracle of Vilna on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-miracle-of-vilna-on-planet-shney.html

2 - Nes and Shprintza Freyda Spin the Dreidl on Planet Birobidzhan 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/nes-and-shprintza-freyda-spin-dreidl-on.html?m=1

3 - From Shloflozikayt to the Vision of a Marvelous Shtot 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/from-shloflozikayt-to-vision-of.html

4 - A Strategy for the Yeshiva Takes Shape and Nes Opens a Pool Hall on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/a-strategy-for-yeshiva-takes-shape-and.html

5 - With the Best Intentions, On a New World

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/with-best-intentions-on-new-world.html

6 - The Shliach's Flight to the Home Planet

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com

7 - Moskve on Planet Shney Grows Wealthy and Cosmopolitan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/04/moskve-on-planet-shney-grows-wealthy.html

8 - Vilna on Planet Shney, the Early Days

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/06/vilna-on-planet-shney-early-days.html

Nes and Shprintza Freyda Spin the Dreidl on Planet Birobidzhan

 

by Zvi Baranoff 

The boy was named Nes because there was a miraculous element to his birth. Indeed, his father had been living on Planet Shney for quite a few years before he was conceived on Planet Birobidzhan. As Nes grew, his resemblance to the famous patriarch living on a distant world made it easier for others to accept that unlikely parentage. 

It was Nes’ fate to be cast adrift at a very young age. His grandmother passed on to Olam Haba. His mother suffered with unfathomable pain that resulted in an emotional distance and a degree of neglect. 

 He never received much of a formal education. The limitations of a classroom did not fit his temperament. Growing up with sparse nurturing from any immediate family, Nes counted on mazel und bashert. His fate was that he received the guidance and care of gamblers and kurvahs. Nes obtained his education primarily in alleyways, pool halls, and bordellos. 

Among the shifty and sometimes disreputable gamblers, Nes learned the mechanics of successful manipulation. Even at a very young age, Nes kept his eyes and ears open. When approaching any given wagering opportunities wisely, they become less of a game of chance. Nes learned to figure odds and how to hedge bets. By the time that he began to put his tuches offen tish and place substantial bets with his own gelt, he won far more than he lost. Also from the gamblers, Nes learned that a dreidl can be used for divination as well as gambling. Whenever Nes was faced with making decisions, he would lean on the guidance of a spinning dreidl. 

When Nes was a little pisher he was often comforted by the kurvahs on their soft mattresses, his head on their fluffy pillows and his tiny body between their perfumed sheets. They dried his tears, stroked his head, and sometimes allowed him to attempt to nurse on their bountiful welcoming bosoms. As he approached maturity, many of those same women took him to their beds in earnest. They also introduced him to their younger sisters and cousins as well as their daughters. Nes perceived such treatment as only natural.

Luck would have it that Nes was at the airfield when the first shipment of furs from Planet Shney arrived on Planet Birobidzhan. Inspiration and serendipity led him into the shtrayml business. The focused attention that young Nes learned in the pool halls and back alleys combined with the sense of entitlement that he imbued in the bordellos gave him the skills that served him well marketing his shtraymlekh to the rabbis of Planet Birobidzhan. His attention to details, inherent math skills, and his ability to remember esoteric scriptures that served his interests made his business very successful. 

As a young man, everything seemed to be going his way. He succeeded with little planning and minimum effort. Nes saw no reason to question his circumstances. He traveled widely and enjoyed himself immensely. He chose to spend Purim in Niu Niu Yark on a whim. He met Shprintza Freyda by chance. He proposed marriage because of a spin of a dreidl. It was certainly sudden and unexpected but Nes was deeply enamored with Shprintza Freyda. 

Shprintza Freyda was a meydl from a small stehtl but she always knew that she was destined for a life beyond such limitations. She too believed in mazel und bashert. She decided to go to Niu Niu Yark for Purim to fulfill her destiny. Her meeting Nes at the street celebration in that shtot was certainly a matter of chance but she was sure that the resulting marriage was fate. Nes spun a dreidl - his form of divination - while Shprintza Freyda was sleeping and proposed marriage over breakfast. Shprintza Freyda agreed without hesitation, ready to begin the life that she was truly meant for. 

The marriage, without a shidduch or any other sort of planning, and the birth of their first child, of course, altered everything for both young people. The marriage necessitated that Nes give up his potentially lucrative position on the exploratory flight to the Home Planet. This left Nes uncertain of his pathway forward. In the time of those swirling uncertainties, Nes relied on the guidance of a dreidl. The spin of the dreidl suggested that the best course was to relocate his budding family to Planet Shney. 

Shprintza Freyda was certainly aware that Nes had a propensity for dalliance. She chose to turn a blind eye to the indiscretions in those last few months before departure from Planet Birobidzhan. Shprintza Freyda felt assured that all of the running around would come to a cold stop when the family boarded the shuttle to Planet Shney. 

Shprintza Freyda’s intuition appeared to be accurate. In truth, the long flight offered no outlets for the sorts of diversions that were the tendency of her husband. The passengers were disproportionately male. All of the women passengers were married. Most were traveling with their husbands. The rest were on their way to reunite with a husband that had preceded them. 

Nes was never looking for romantic encounters with strangers. Rather, his desires were the comfort and familiarity of his formative years. There was no bordello with a bevy of kurvahs aboard the ship, which would have been what was to Nes’ propensity. So, Shprintza Freyda had no real concerns of Nes wandering during the flight, but this she did not know. 

Shprintza Freyda had a few tricks up her sleeve for that long flight through the void. She was a meydl from a small stehtl but her family had a large Meditsinish Gortn adjacent to the house and she had extensive knowledge of herbal medicine and lore. Like our Matriarchs Rukhl and Leah, Shprintza Freyda also knew that there were herbal concoctions that could be used to enhance vitality and focus her husband's attention. Dissimilar from Rukhl and Leah, Shprintza Freyda used other herbs that protected her from any unanticipated pregnancy. The long flight from Planet Birobidzhan to Planet Shney unfolded as an erotic blur, a second honeymoon for the young couple. Nes was in a state of intoxicated enamoration and unaware of Shprintza Freyda’s hand in maintaining that condition. 

This story about the mentshn of Planet Birobidzhan and Planet Shney is the continuation of the tale that evolved into a novel, The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan. 

The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan is in print and available wherever books are sold! 

The novel can also be bought, at a discount, through this direct purchase link:

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=6TtjgjBTrFtcK4tvxeCbUN4hTvy9rOoAq8aeNsNXURN

Here are the links to the rest of the story as it evolves and posted so far in the blog:

1 - The Miracle of Vilna on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-miracle-of-vilna-on-planet-shney.html

2 - Nes and Shprintza Freyda Spin the Dreidl on Planet Birobidzhan 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/nes-and-shprintza-freyda-spin-dreidl-on.html?m=1

3 - From Shloflozikayt to the Vision of a Marvelous Shtot 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/from-shloflozikayt-to-vision-of.html

4 - A Strategy for the Yeshiva Takes Shape and Nes Opens a Pool Hall on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/a-strategy-for-yeshiva-takes-shape-and.html

5 - With the Best Intentions, On a New World

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/with-best-intentions-on-new-world.html

6 - The Shliach's Flight to the Home Planet

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com

7 - Moskve on Planet Shney Grows Wealthy and Cosmopolitan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/04/moskve-on-planet-shney-grows-wealthy.html

8 - Vilna on Planet Shney, the Early Days

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/06/vilna-on-planet-shney-early-days.html

The Miracle of Vilna on Planet Shney

 

by Zvi Baranoff 

The greatest, as well as the most diverse, yeshiva ever conceived is located in Vilna on Planet Shney. Also, some of the most monumental Houses of Worship on any planet surround that campus. The numerous shuls represent multiple streams of thought and reflect the incredible diversity of the Yeshiva. The Shtot of Vilna on Planet Shney is named after the City of Vilna (Vilnius) on the Home Planet. 

The ancient City of Vilna situated on Planet Earth was a prominent center of Jewish study, often called "Yerushalayim D'Lita" (the Jerusalem of Lithuania). The Yidden of the original Vilna were dispersed and most were killed during a particularly virulent period of purges, pogroms, expropriation, and extermination. The yeshivas and shuls there were all looted and demolished. 

Adjacent to the most spectacular of those shuls on Planet Shney, there is a grave that is widely known as a holy site of pilgrimage. On the granite headstone are engraved the words Nes Gadol and the image of a dreidl. Interned in the mausoleum is the founder of Vilna, of Blessed memory. 

There is a mechitza that designates the left side of the site for women and the right side for men. The dividing curtain stays in place from dawn until dusk when it is removed to accommodate the many women pilgrims that choose to pray all night or sleep by the grave. Men are barred from the site until the next morning. 

The holy site is illuminated at night only by the moons and the stars. Women doven, swaying and wailing, some throughout the night. They tear at their clothes and throw themselves on the grave. It is widely believed that such outward signs of piety will sway Nes’ intervention in their favor. 

The women that pray at this site come with hopes for assistance in finding a husband, conceiving children, and for fulfillment in their domestic lives. The men generally pray for help with financial schemes, highly speculative investments, and luck at gambling, as well as assistance in the unraveling of complicated emotional entanglements.

On the streets immediately surrounding this holy site, vendors offer inexpensive sustenance such as knishes and lokshen. Nearby there are also several inns that offer sparse low cost lodging particularly for pilgrims. Not much farther, there are a wide array of restaurants that sell more substantial food and hotels that accommodate travelers with preferences that are more refined. The most exquisite option for food, lodging, and entertainment in Vilna, or anywhere on Planet Shney, is the Nes Gadol Hotel and Casino, a towering skyscraper designed to resemble a dreidl. 

On the Home Planet, the gravesites of saintly people were treated as holy places. The graves of great rabbis, sages, and miracle workers became pilgrimage sites for the Yidden and even for some Goyim. The gravesites were often in faraway places that were difficult to reach. Harsh deserts, high mountains, conflicts, international borders, bandits, and other hindrances were faced for the opportunity to pray at such holy sites. 

The holy shrine in Vilna on Planet Shney is the most far-flung of any Jewish pilgrimage site, if you consider what travel it would entail for most Yidden. The overwhelming mass of our people still reside on the Home Planet. Their ancestors were not among those that found transit to Planet Birobidzhan. For nearly three centuries contact between Planet Earth and Planet Birobidzhan had been severed. Even now, booking transportation between the two planets is extremely limited and the travel time is excruciatingly long. But, even on the far away Home Planet of Earth, Yidden are aware of this holy site.

Beyond Planet Earth, most Yidden live on Planet Birobidzhan, the birthplace of the entombed holy man. Travel from Planet Birobidzhan to Planet Shney is a significantly shorter distance but even with our most up-to-date ships, it is still nearly a two year shlep. 

However, from Moskve on Planet Shney, travel to Vilna is not in the least grueling. There is a comfortable high-speed elevated train route between Moskve Tsenter Shtot to Vilna Tsenter Shtot with service six days a week. The train departs in the morning from Moskve and returns in the evening except for Freytag when the train leaves Vilna in the afternoon so as to return before sunset and the beginning of Shabbos. 

The very existence of the Shtot of Vilna arose from a prophetic vision that occurred shortly after Nes arrived on Planet Shney. In an altered state of awareness, Nes saw the valley with the hidden hot spring that enables the tropical foliage and warm weather that is nowhere else on the otherwise harsh world of Planet Shney. Date trees now grow throughout the valley, in addition to the unique native palm trees that grow only in this one microclimate. The hot spring feeds theVilna Mikvah and also the luxurious swimming pool at the Nes Gadol Hotel and Casino. 

Construction of the Yeshiva and several of the Shuls were contracted and financed by Nes. The train route was proposed and financed many decades earlier by Nes. He also established a trust that subsidizes fares in perpetuity. 

Luck and fate, mazel und bashert, define life. Mazel is assuredly determined by the stars that we are born to. Bashert, perhaps transcends mazel. Luck is luck. Fate is fate. The dreidl spins and lands where it will. We rejoice or mourn and then spin the dreidl once more. Perhaps leaving the planet of one's birth and living under other constellations changes luck but leaves destiny unaltered. Without doubt, greatness was Nes’ destiny. His story began far from Vilna, in a shtetl on Planet Birobidzhan. 

This story about the mentshn of Planet Birobidzhan and Planet Shney is the continuation of the tale that evolved into a novel, The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan. 

The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan is in print and available wherever books are sold! 

The novel can also be bought, at a discount, through this direct purchase link:

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=6TtjgjBTrFtcK4tvxeCbUN4hTvy9rOoAq8aeNsNXURN

Here are the links to the rest of the story as it evolves and posted so far in the blog:

1 - The Miracle of Vilna on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/the-miracle-of-vilna-on-planet-shney.html

2 - Nes and Shprintza Freyda Spin the Dreidl on Planet Birobidzhan 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/01/nes-and-shprintza-freyda-spin-dreidl-on.html?m=1

3 - From Shloflozikayt to the Vision of a Marvelous Shtot 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/from-shloflozikayt-to-vision-of.html

4 - A Strategy for the Yeshiva Takes Shape and Nes Opens a Pool Hall on Planet Shney 

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/a-strategy-for-yeshiva-takes-shape-and.html

5 - With the Best Intentions, On a New World

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/02/with-best-intentions-on-new-world.html

6 - The Shliach's Flight to the Home Planet

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com

7 - Moskve on Planet Shney Grows Wealthy and Cosmopolitan

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/04/moskve-on-planet-shney-grows-wealthy.html

8 - Vilna on Planet Shney, the Early Days

https://21stcenturybogatyr.blogspot.com/2025/06/vilna-on-planet-shney-early-days.html

Olly, Olly, Oxen Free

 This is a work of fiction. The image is one of myself, from my youth.

"One is devoured by Time, not because one lives in Time, but because one believes in its reality, and therefore forgets or despises eternity."

—Mircea Eliade

by Zvi Baranoff 

I grew up in a sort of false suburb on the edge of a city. The neighborhood border was also the municipal border. On the other side of the dividing line, a few blocks to the west, were the row houses of the city. In our nominally suburban neighborhood, the houses were all duplexes, each surrounded by a small, neatly trimmed and somewhat personalized lawn with a chain link fence around a small backyard. 

Further east, beyond our neighborhood, across highways, through neighborhoods, and beyond our access, there were true suburbs with large lawns, big houses, swimming pools, country clubs, cul-de-sacs, and all the other trappings of privilege that we could hardly imagine. 

I must have been around five years old. I hadn't started school yet. My mother was still trying to keep me tied to her apron strings but the threads were frazzling. I managed to slip loose more and more. I was the youngest of the children that ran wild and unsupervised through the neighborhood. 

Malka was the undisputed leader of that pack of aspiring hooligans. She was the oldest of the crew, at the awe-inspiring age of eleven. Malka ruled over us with intimidation. She understood us with intelligence and cunning. She led us because of her infinite creative capacity for stimulating adventure. 

Our play at elaborate games extended across property lines and over fences that we climbed without fear and with little respect for concepts such as private property or personal privacy. Gardens, garages, the grocery store parking lot, construction sites, and an open field that was destined soon to be an elementary school were all our juvenile domain. 

It was summertime, with long days and none of the daytime regulated by schooling or parental demands. Our days were absorbed in variations of mock warfare. We had begun this particular day singing while marching about the neighborhood, single file. We were arranged in order of height. I was, of course, the tail of the parade. At the top of our lungs we sing-song chanted the words of our marching anthem, with a special shouting emphasis on the word “dick” as Malka had taught it to us. 

“Does your DICK hang low?

Can you swing it to and fro?

Can you tie it in a knot?

Can you tie it in a bow?

Can you throw it over your shoulder, 

like an Oriental soldier?

DOES YOUR DICK HANG LOW!”

When we were all tired of that, we transitioned to other forms of mischief and mayhem. We practiced coordinating aim and strength by throwing rocks at an abandoned building. Malka was the only one of us to have ever actually broken a window of our target house. This fact provided definitive proof to the Divine Nature of her dominance. Whichever of the horde that threw a rock deemed by Malka to be the most true would be elevated to be her lieutenant for the day, with the ability to lord the authority over the rest of us. The introduction of the random opportunity for individual cruelty was an incredible incentive.  Malka would, when it served her interest, rein in her lieutenant, presenting her predictable tyrannical powers as a just and benevolent alternative to the less practiced amateur terror of her acting lieutenant. This was a daily epic challenge for the older and stronger of us. Of course, my being the youngest and the smallest, I stood no chance in this particular test of skill. Nonetheless, I watched my elders and learned tricks and techniques daily. 

We were engaged in a most seriously challenging game of Hide and Seek. In spite of being the youngest of that crew, I was accomplished at the art of subterfuge and avoiding detection. 

 I was laying in a drainage pipe, as snug as a bug. It hadn't rained for a while. The soil accumulated at the bottom of the pipe only held the slightest amount of moisture. The vague hints of mustiness was comfortably reassuring. I was comfortable enough in that drainage pipe to doze off that warm sunny day. 

For more than a year, an incredibly realistic series of dreams began to dominate my sleep, recurring several times a week. The dreams ranged from the mundane to terrifying. In these otherworldly experiences, the rhythms, rituals, and languages were all very foreign to my waking reality and yet comprehensible to my sleeping self. In my sleep I spoke fluently a guttural tongue that I later discovered to be Yiddish, a language shared by most of the inhabitants of the village setting for these dreams. 

Over the following years the frequency of these dreams decreased, but the intensity, vividness, and the realism of these certainly didn't decrease in the least. The angst that these dreams generated actually increased as I aged, perhaps because I began to understand more background of the ethereal occurrences that I eventually called the Shtetl Dreams. 

In that drainage pipe, as I slept, a disturbing dream took hold. I was walking past a building with onion-shaped domes decorated with swirling mysterious symbols. It was many years later that I understood the building to be a church and that the incomprehensible squiggles to be Cyrillic lettering. 

 I heard the rough voices shouting “Zhyd!” I had no clue as to what that word meant. However, I clearly understood that the men and boys shouting were a danger to me. I  ran with all my strength, evading those that were pursuing me, until I found a safe place to conceal myself. 

Then, another call grabbed my attention,  voices from another time and a different continent. “Olly, olly, oxen free!” The cry echoed and reverberated as more voices joined in, picking up the refrain, the familiar and non threatening voices of the children of my neighborhood.

I was muddy and bruised. My clothes were ripped. There was a faint odor of dog waste. My pants were wet and stained from urine. I must have peed myself while sleeping in that pipe. I was in no mood to show myself when I heard the traditional all clear signal. I wallowed in self absorption and self pity, unwilling to move from the protective shell of the spot where I was embedded. Evening was setting in. The other children were each finding their way to homes, families, suppers, and baths. Their voices were gone and only Malka continued to shout “Olly, olly, oxen free!” while looking for me, her lone lost sheep.

I looked out through the opening of the drainage pipe. I could see Malka walking about and heard her calling my name. I remained quiet and unmotivated. Then, she was on her hands and knees, looking into the end of the pipe and directly at me. She reached her arms in and I crawled forward and into her outstretched arms.

Once I was out in the fresh air and on solid ground, Malka looked me up and down, silently judging and analyzing the mess that I was. I stood there, looking up at her with tears rolling down my chubby cheeks. 

Malka took a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the tears away. Then, she moistened the handkerchief with her spit and used that to remove mud from my face. Following that, she tidied me up the best she could, straightening my clothing, buttoning my shirt and tucking it into my pants. She wiped away the mud and piss as best as she could, and brushed down my wild hair with her fingers. Malka kissed me on my forehead and told me to go home, which I promptly did. 

Middle East Peace and the Lost Tribes Mythologies of the Lemba

 

by Zvi Baranoff

Peace in the Middle-East is possible if Jews would follow the lead of their cousins, the Lemba people of South Africa. This is, it seems, the learned opinion of Noah Tamarkin, a cultural anthropologist and an associate professor at Cornell University. 

Mr Tamarkin expressed his opinion in a short essay in The Conversation entitled South Africa’s Lemba people: how they view their Jewishness challenges Zionist ideas that identity is linked to one homeland (https://theconversation.com/south-africas-lemba-people-how-they-view-their-jewishness-challenges-zionist-ideas-that-identity-is-linked-to-one-homeland-228632) published April 30, 2024.

Mr Tamarkin seems to be a well intentioned fellow. However, his essay is deeply flawed, with obvious misstatements and falsification throughout. 

The essay begins by describing the Lemba people as “Black Jews who live in South Africa and Zimbabwe.” It goes on to claim that the “Lemba people have long held that they are Jews by descent.”

Are the Lemba Jewish? Mostly not. Are they descendents of Jews? Perhaps. Have they “long held” such beliefs? That depends on who among the Lemba one speaks to and how much time is considered long when discussing history. 

Most of the Lemba people self define as Christians. There are some who are Muslims and Jews. Many of those that self define as Jews also self define as Christians. 

There are hints that could imply that the Lemba are descended from ancient Hebrews. The actual, provable links however, are few. The first “proofs” rely on some vague similarities of the oral traditions of these people to early Hebrew history and mythology. The Lemba also refrain from eating pork - as do both Jews and Muslims. The Lemba practice circumcision. The Jewish tradition is on the eighth day. The Lemba tradition is eight years old. Muslims worldwide also practice circumcision as well as many African people. 

However, the Lemba were unfamiliar with any possible connection to ancient Hebrews and, in fact, were unaware of Jews until they came in contact with Christian missionaries around the beginning of the Twentieth Century, and later to interaction with South African Jews. So, the “long held” belief of a Jewish ancestry dates back to around 1900, which is not very long in the scheme of things. Thousands of Lemba have adopted Jewish practices, in relatively recent times. This has been accelerated through the support of American Jews supplying religious education and ritual materials. 

Christian missionaries have a long history of introducing Biblical mythologies and integration of these mythologies with those of their targeted audience. When one goes out looking for the Lost Tribes of Israel, one inevitably finds them, even if the actual links are tenuous at best. The tales of the Lost Tribes, the ten Tribes said to be exiled from from the Kingdom of Israel around 722 BCE, is shrouded in mythology and actual history is pitifully lacking. Most historians have concluded that the deported tribes assimilated into the local population, although legends of people around the world being the Lost Tribes, reinforced by threads of customs and  beliefs, is tantalizing.

The Lemba origin story is based on a long journey of their twelve clans from a place called Sena. According to the oral traditions, they followed a sacred object called the ngoma lungundu or “drum that thunders”. The twelve clans are reminiscent of the Twelve Tribes of Israel and the ngoma lungundu is therefore likened to the Ark of the Covenant. 

The genetic pools that Mr Tamarkin refers to, dating back to the 1990s, show a strong Middle-Eastern connection. This could be Hebrew or it could also be Arab. The genetic link among the Buba, one Lemba clan, does have a fairly high correspondence to the Cohen marker. This is curious. However, the overall information that we learn from genetic studies points to a strong likelihood of the influence of Arab traders that had an extensive network throughout Africa for hundreds of years.

Mr Tamarkin, goes on to state that “Lemba people did not orient themselves towards Israel. Instead they interpreted their genetic studies as proof that Jews were African and that Lemba people were, therefore, indigenous African Jews.” The link is to a book by Mr Tamarkin.

Drawing these conclusions requires intellectual gymnastics. He ignores the origin mythology of the Lemba people that stresses that they come from elsewhere and consider themselves to be separate from the surrounding peoples. The name Lemba may originate from the Bantu word lemi which means "non-African" or a "respected foreigner", although it could derive from the Swahili word kilemba meaning turban or “those who wear turbans”. Mr Tamarkin also ignores the Lemba burial practice of orientation to the north, presumably towards their historic origin and fails to mention that some Lemba that have adopted Judaism have made aliyah to Israel. 

Mr Tamarkin suggests that the Jewish sense of a indigenous relationship to a homeland in what is now Israel is misplaced. Mr Tamarkin proposes that the 15 or so million Jews of the world are African based on the 100,000 (more or less) Lemba being African, although the basis of a Jewish link to the Lemba is the possibility of a migration beginning with an exile from the Land of Israel, to Yemen, and eventually across Africa. 

Whether the Lemba perceive themselves as indigenous to Africa or rooted elsewhere is irrelevant to the sense of a general indigenous relationship to the Land of Israel by Jews worldwide. Around seven million Jews currently live between the Mediterranean Sea and the Jordan River, as well as around seven million Palestinians. Clearly, both people have an indigenous relationship to that particular piece of land.

Certainly, a logical argument can be presented that the Zionist ideology and subsequent experiment was a misstep and an historic mistake. There were certainly other perspectives among the Jews at the time of the formation and development of political Zionism. However, there is no denying that there is a strong link to the sense of place, emotionally and genetically. 

We are certainly not going to reorient the attachment of 15 million Jews, seven million who currently live in Israel and six million that live in the United States, with the rest scattered worldwide, to Africa because of a tenuous link of approximately 100,000 Africans. There is no other place in the world than the actual traditional homeland that has this genetic and historical link. 

Mr Tamarkin's essay approaches a fascinating subject, however the lack of intellectual honesty and historical integrity does a great disservice to the Lemba, to the Jewish people, and to the possibility of finding a real solution to the shared destiny of the people, Arabs and Jews, that live on the land that Mr Tamarkin so casually writes off as irrelevant to identity. 

Moishe Pipik Flies to the Moon, Seeks His Fortune & Has Lots of Adventures

 

by Zvi Baranoff 

It was a very long time ago and very far away. In a shtetl called Brooklyn there lived a small boy named Moishe Pipik. Moishe Pipik was a good lad. He was smart and creative. 

Although Moishe Pipik was an only child, he lived in a very crowded apartment. The apartment was situated in a crowded tenement building on a busy street in the very heart of Brooklyn. 

The apartment was small but maybe it wouldn't have felt so crowded if he lived there with just his parents. However, besides Moishe Pipik and his parents, his Bubbe, his mother's mother, also lived in that small apartment. 

Even with his grandmother sleeping in the “spare” bedroom, the apartment might have felt merely cramped but the apartment was always far more crowded than that. It seemed that there were always some extra relatives staying there. 

There were always some family members going through a difficult stretch, between jobs and without a place of their own. Sometimes there were several relatives staying at once. They slept on the couch, in the bathtub, and on the kitchen floor. Sometimes there would be a “guest” sharing his bed. A small child might be sleeping in the bottom drawer of his dresser. In the summer, a person or two slept on the fire escape.

Both of Moishe Pipik's parents worked a lot. His father was at a job six days a week. His mother “took in” clothes to repair, besides all the cooking and cleaning involved in maintaining the home. She had learned to sew from her father, who had earned his living as a tailor among other endeavors. Moishe Pipik's mother often worked late into the night, sometimes falling asleep at the sewing machine that she had inherited from her father. 

.

It really couldn't be said that Moishe Pipik's parents neglected him. They assured that he got all of the things that he really needed such as his daily meals and his weekly baths. Moishe Pipik's parents did truly love him.

What they couldn't provide the boy was all of the attention that he craved nor all of the things on his endless list of wishes and desires. 

The other relatives filling the apartment to overflowing helped fill that void as far as his desires beyond absolute need was concerned. The neighborhood, as well, was crowded with people that were almost as nosy, loud and boisterous as his relatives.  These neighbors watched out for Moishe Pipik, almost as if they were family. 

Of all the relatives that frequently encamped at the family's apartment, often for weeks or months at a time, Uncle Morrie and Aunt Fannie were Moishe Pipik's favorites. Uncle Morrie was his mother's younger brother. Aunt Fannie, as near as he could tell, was actually a second or third cousin of his father's but she insisted on being called Aunt. 

When Moishe Pipik was a little pisher, Morrie had been a merchant marine. Morrie traveled the world and would mail the family picture postcards from all the exotic ports where the ships docked. The postcards decorated the apartment, giving the place a low budget international flair.

As near as Moishe Pipik could tell, Uncle Morrie had some sort of job involving race horses. Unfortunately, the horses didn't always pay Uncle Morrie, which was a cause for friction with Moishe Pipik's father. Moishe Pipik figured that the problem stemmed  from  the fact that horses don't have pockets so the horses rarely carried money. 

When the horses did pay off, Uncle Morrie would be quite generous. A couple of times he took Moishe Pipik to Coney Island, where they watched the skirts, ate ice cream on the Boardwalk and went to the Penny Arcade where Moishe Pipik saw the jumpy films of hoochie-coochie girls for the first time. Once, Uncle Morrie took the lad to the big museum in Manhattan to gawk at the dinosaur bones. Occasionally they would go to Ebbets Field to eat Cracker Jacks and Foot Long hot dogs while watching the Brooklyn Dodgers. 

Nope. Morrie no longer shipped out. He did, however, tell elaborate tales of days when his travels took him to exotic places like Buenos Aires, Tangiers, Marrakesh, Havana and New Jersey. The stories of strange and wonderful adventures involved Eskimos, Bedouin, Gauchos, Pickpockets, White Slavers, Pygmies, Horse Thieves, Card Sharks and Indians. In those tales, Uncle Morrie was always heroic. 

Uncle Morrie played checkers with Moishe Pipik. He also taught him poker and gin rummy. 

The most wondrous and unexplainable thing about Uncle Morrie is that he would sometimes pull a nickel out of Moishe Pipik's ear. For no particular reason, at random and unexpected times, Uncle Morrie would draw the boy close, reach around and extract a shiny coin...and then, give the nickel to the boy! 

Nothing pleased Moishe Pipik more than the feeling of a nickel pressed into the palm of his hand. He would smile broadly and then squeeze the coin in a tightly gripped fist. 

Of course, a nickel would not remain long in Moishe Pipik's hand. He would run down the street to Finklestein's Delicatessen where he would promptly exchange the shiny nickel for the opportunity to fish a fat kosher dill pickle from the wooden barrel. The pickle barrel was nearly as tall as Moishe Pipik. With the tongs held firmly in his right hand, leaning over the huge barrel, Moishe Pipik would try to find the biggest and juiciest of the pickles floating in brine. Nothing pleased him more than exchanging a nickel for such a Heavenly Delight as a fat dill pickle. 

When his Aunt Fannie would arrive, it was usually just before dinner time. She would be carrying a small suitcase and the clothes she wore would be crumpled and mussed. There would be a knock at the door. Aunt Fannie, standing there, would sniffle. Aunt Fannie would be holding back tears. She would sigh heavily, and shuffle her feet a bit. 

Moishe Pipik's mother would also sigh.  Then, his mother would usher Aunt Fannie in. No questions were ever asked. An extra plate would be put at the table. Moishe Pipik's mother would add some more water to whatever was cooking on the stove and somehow there was always just enough food to go around. 

The first couple of days after her arrival, Aunt Fannie was always moody and outwardly unhappy. Aunt Fannie would say things to Moishe Pipik such as “Always stay a little boy!” and “Don't grow up to be like all those other men!” 

When the mourning period for her lost romantic entanglement was over, Aunt Fannie's mood would improve and she would be upbeat and joyful. Then, Aunt Fannie was a lot of fun to be around and Moishe Pipik loved all of the attention that she showered on him, although he could do without so many hugs and a few less pinches. Moishe Pipik really didn't much like the smeared lipstick on his cheeks either, truth be told. 

On the particular day in question Moishe Pipik awoke with a particularly strong desire for a pickle from the big wooden barrel at Finklestein's Delicatessen. He asked his mother if she would give him a nickel to satisfy his craving. She told him that she didn't have any extra money for frivolity. He was most disappointed but not particularly surprised. 

Aunt Fannie was stretched out on the sofa. She was feeling very sorry for herself. She had a hot water bottle on her head and she groaned horribly, on the verge of tears. Moishe Pipik determined that there was no point in asking Aunt Fannie for anything that morning. 

Uncle Morrie was sitting at the kitchen table. He was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and studying the Daily Racing Form. Moishe Pipik asked his uncle to look in his ears and see if there were any nickels hidden in there. Uncle Morrie grunted before taking a look. “I am afraid,” he said, “that the nickel mine is played out for now.” That was certainly not encouraging news.

Moishe Pipik always carried a rucksack to school, just like the other children of the neighborhood. In his rucksack, he always had a notebook, pencils, and a few crayons. Sometimes there was a snack. Always there was his small drawstring pouch where he kept his marbles as well as any treasures that he happened upon. 

All the way to school that morning, Moishe Pipik walked in the gutter between the sidewalk and the streets. He kept his eyes peeled, hoping to spy coins that had fallen there. He didn't find a single one on that long walk to school. Moishe Pipik arrived at school, as he usually did, a little late and a bit rumpled. 

Sorry to say, however, Moishe Pipik was not a particularly attentive student. 

A typical day at Moishe Pipik's school went something like this. The teacher helped the children learn their Aleph Beis. All the children watch the teacher write the letters on the blackboard and they all copy the letters into their notebooks. 

Everyone, that is, except Moishe Pipik. 

When the teacher writes an Aleph א on the blackboard, all the children see an א but not Moishe Pipik. He sees a robot. The other children write א in their notebooks. Moishe Pipik draws a robot. 

Next, the teacher writes a Beis ב on the blackboard, and Moishe Pipik sees a hippopotamus. The other children write ב in their notebooks. Moishe Pipik draws a hippopotamus.

The teacher writes a Gimel ג but Moishe Pipik sees a rocket ship preparing for liftoff. The other children carefully jot ג into their notebooks. Moishe Pipik carefully sketches a rocket on a launchpad. 

School ended no time too soon for the boy. His craving for a fat kosher dill had not waned whatsoever during the proceeding hours. Yet, he was no closer to satisfying his desire, still lacking a nickel. Moishe Pipik dilly dallied on his way back home, as he considered his options. 

Moishe Pipik detoured past the lot where the boys of the neighborhood would gather for games such as stickball, tag, mumbly-peg, and marbles. That day there was a circle of boys shooting marbles in the lot. Moishe Pipik joined in the game. 

Marbles is a game involving both luck and skill. A circle is drawn on the ground, players place marbles within the circle and then take turns by aiming a slightly larger shooter at the marbles with the intention of dislodging the marbles from the circle. Any knocked free of the circle becomes the property of the player that has knocked them loose. 

Moishe Pipik was fairly skilled at the game so evidently luck was not with him. In hardly any time, Moishe Pipik's drawstring bag was nearly empty. All that remained was his shooter, one cat's eye, a couple of very plain marbles, a button, and a pebble. 

From there, Moishe Pipik wandered about the neighborhood, scheming and dreaming and hoping for a pickle. Surely there was a way for at least one nickel to come into his possession, or perhaps even acquiring a pickle by some other means. 

Then, Moishe Pipik remembered that time once when he happened to be in the alley behind the delicatessen when the delivery truck was there. The driver, for no particular reason, as if a miracle, just gave him a pickle. Well, lightning can strike twice so Moishe Pipik ran to the alley but of course there was no delivery truck there on that day. 

What Moishe Pipik did find in the alley was a wooden banana crate. Well, it wasn't a pickle but it was a fortuitous discovery. It was just what the boy needed to fulfill one of his lifetime goals. Moishe Pipik hoisted the wooden crate onto his back, resting it on his head. In this way, Moishe Pipik walked back to his building and up the steps to his apartment. 

When Moishe Pipik got home, he found his mother busy scrubbing the kitchen floor. Hardly looking up, his Momma asked him, "What did you learn in school today?"

"I learned about rocket ships and robots and hippopotamus…esses…ummm"

"Hippopotami, I think, is the plural, but I am not sure," said his mother. "Ask your teacher tomorrow."

“Okay, Momma,” Moishe Pipik responded. He headed, with his crate, across the apartment and out the window to the fire escape. 

On the fire escape, Moishe Pipik went straight to work. The banana crate served as the cabin for the rocket ship that he had always dreamed of building. With some bits of wire, string, wheels, bicycle pedals, tin cans, and such, Moishe Pipik built a rocket ship like none other. He wasted no time, blasting off in his rocket ship that very afternoon, directly from the fire escape.

This is how Moishe Pipik became the first person to fly to space and land on the Moon, not that he ever received much recognition for that feat. 

The flight went without a hitch and was much quicker than Moishe Pipik had expected. When he arrived on the Moon, he was greeted with much fanfare. The Moon People pulled out all the stops. There was a marching band and a huge banner with the words “Welcome Moishe Pipik” in great big letters. They all yelled “Speech! Speech!” The cheers were thunderous when Moishe Pipik took the stage and expressed his heartfelt appreciation for their kindly reception. 

Moishe Pipik's biggest regret concerning that trip, however, is that he didn't pack a camera. Photographic documentation of the voyage would have certainly bolstered his claims about visiting the Moon. 

Lacking a camera, Moishe Pipik made a few sketches in his notebook. Unfortunately, in all of the excitement, he misspelled the word “Welcome” on the banner. Also, in his excitement, he added a giraffe, an elephant, and a hippopotamus to the picture even though none of those animals were actually there. Sorry to say, his drawings were not that convincing. 

Additionally, Moishe Pipik had asked the Moon People if he could take some cheese home. He was informed that he had arrived on a day when the cheese mine was closed for repairs. So, most unfortunately, Moishe Pipik had no souvenirs from his trip to reinforce his assertions that he had traveled to the Moon.

Moishe Pipik's return flight was unremarkable and without a hitch. He was back on the fire escape in no time flat. It was still hours before his supper would be served. Moishe Pipik's mother was at work by the stove, stirring a large pot. He tried to tell his mother about his trip to the Moon but she was much too busy to listen and shooed him away. 

Moishe Pipik's Aunt Fannie was once again moping in the living room. His Uncle Morrie had gone to the racetrack. The boy still had the unfulfilled desire for a delicious kosher dill and he still lacked a nickel. He headed back out into the streets of Brooklyn. 

Moishe Pipik knew what had to be done and he went about doing it. He moved with the intensity and purposefulness of a shark, approaching neighbors in search of temporary employment. To anyone who would listen, he explained how he really wanted a pickle from the delicatessen and therefore really, really needed a nickel.

Over the next couple of hours, Moishe Pipik swept sidewalks, steps, and foyers. He emptied a litter box and took out some trash. He weeded several flower pots and walked a dog. Somehow, even with all the efforts, the goal remained elusive. Moishe Pipik found himself in front of Finklestein's Delicatessen without a nickel to his name. He sat down on the curb, held his head in his small hands, and began to cry.

The crying started out as just a whimper but it graduated into a full-fledged Niagara Falls sort of downpour. The tears fell into the gutter and threatened to flood the entire street. 

When Mr Finklestein looked out the big plate glass window of his delicatessen, he saw what assuredly was the saddest little boy in the whole world. Mr Finklestein wiped his hands on his white smock and walked out the front door of the delicatessen. The bell on the door tinkled as he left the building and crossed the sidewalk. 

Moishe Pipik was absorbed in his very personal sense of loss and private misery. He took no notice of Mr Finkelstein until the man's rotund shadow was directly over him. Then, Moishe Pipik looked up. He saw the kindly shopkeeper through his bleary reddened eyes, and began to stifle his tears.

“What's the matter, my Dear Moishe Pipik?” asked the good shopkeeper in the white smock. 

Moishe Pipik, gasping and nearly choking on his river of tears, said most emphatically “Today is the worst day of my life!” He then dropped his head back into his hands and began crying once more.

“Listen, young fellow,” Mr Finklestein said as he handed Moishe Pipik the handkerchief from his breast pocket. “How about you blow your nose, wipe away your tears, and come with me into the delicatessen. Maybe we can see what we can do to salvage your day. I have some experience with bad days. Maybe it won't turn out so awful after all.”

Mr Finklestein took Moishe Pipik's small hand and the two of them walked inside. Mr Finklestein set Moishe Pipik up on a stool behind the counter, near the cash register. There, they would be able to talk while Mr Finklestein could keep an eye on his store and help any customers that may show up. 

“So, Moishe Pipik! Tell me all about it. What happened today?” This is what the shopkeeper said to the boy. 

So, Moishe Pipik proceeded to give an account of his day. “This morning, all that I really, really wanted - all that I could think about  - was a pickle. You know how much I love the pickles from your big barrel.” The boy gave the shopkeeper a knowing nod. Mr Finklestein returned the nod. Moishe Pipik continued his narrative. 

“I asked my Momma for a nickel, but she said no. I asked my Uncle Morrie if he could pull a nickel out of my ear but he told me that my head was empty. That's how my morning began.”

“Hmm,” said Mr Finklestein. 

“I looked for nickels in the gutter on the way to school but, no luck. After school, I lost my marbles…at least, most of them.”

“Then, I built a rocket ship and flew to the Moon. They didn't have any cheese because the cheese mine was closed for repairs and I don't have any photographs so probably nobody will believe that. My Mom sure didn't.” Moishe Pipik showed Mr Finklestein the sketches from the trip.

“Well, now…” said Mr Finkelstein. 

Moishe Pipik put his drawstring bag on the counter as he began to explain the next phase of his very long day.

“So, I went to work to see if I could earn a nickel. Mrs Apelblum asked me to take out her trash. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me seven pennies.” Moishe Pipik put the seven pennies into a small pile on the counter. 

“Mrs Bassowitz asked me to walk her dog. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me a dime which is much smaller than a nickel.” Moishe Pipik sadly placed the dime next to the pennies. 

“Mrs Czernec asked me to sweep her steps. She didn't have a nickel. She gave me a subway token.” Moishe Pipik added the subway token to the collection of coins on the counter.

Mr Dannenberg also asked me to do some sweeping for him. He didn't have a nickel. He gave me three stamps.” The stamps were placed on the counter.

“Mrs Ehrendorf had me clean out her smelly cat's stinky litter box. She gave me three empty soda bottles.” These were in Moishe Pipik's rucksack and he placed them on the counter. 

“Mrs Feldman asked me to pull all the weeds from her flower pots. She didn't have a nickel but she gave me two cookies and they were pretty good. Not as good as a pickle but better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I suppose.” Moishe Pipik smiled a bit as he wiped some cookie crumbs from the corners of his mouth. 

Mr Finklestein patted Moishe Pipik on the head. “Let's do some math,” he said to the boy. Moishe Pipik grimaced. He hated math but he tried to be brave.

Mr Finklestein counted five of the seven pennies as he picked them up off the counter. “Five pennies, young man is worth a nickel.” He placed the five pennies into his cash register and replaced it with a nickel. Moishe Pipik's eyes brightened. 

“This thin dime here doesn't look like much.” With that, he dropped it into his cash register and placed two nickels on the counter in its place. 

“What do you suppose that subway token is worth?” Mr Finklestein slipped the token into the cash register and replaced it with three nickels. 

“These are three cent stamps. That's nine cents.” Mr Finklestein placed a nickel and four pennies onto the counter. 

“The soda bottles,” Mr Finklestein continued, “each have two cents deposits.” He put the bottles into a crate and put a nickel and a penny on the counter in their stead. Moishe Pipik's eyes widened. 

Moishe Pipik began to count the coins,  placing them into piles. Eight nickels made quite a stack. There were also seven pennies. Moishe Pipik happily traded five of those pennies for another nickel.

Moishe Pipik left Finklestein's Delicatessen with EIGHT fat kosher dill pickles wrapped in wax paper with brown paper wrapped around that and all placed lovingly into a paper sack by Mr Finklestein. Moishe Pipik held the largest pickle from the barrel in his right hand and ate it on his way back home. 

By the time that Moishe Pipik had returned to his apartment, his family was already seated at the dining table. Moishe Pipik slid into his seat, next to Aunt Fannie. Aunt Fannie's mood had much improved. She squeezed the boy until he squealed and kissed him loudly on his cheek, leaving a significant amount of smeared lipstick on his face. 

Uncle Morrie and Moishe Pipik's father had reconciled any ill feelings between them as Uncle Morrie had made a generous contribution towards the rent. He had also brought home a freshly killed chicken which Moishe Pipik's mother cooked and served even though it was a weekday and not Shabbos or a holiday. 

Uncle Morrie and Moishe Pipik's father were sharing a bottle of schnapps. They each had a glass and the bottle sat between them. Moishe Pipik's father filled the cap - a thimble’s worth, perhaps - with schnapps and passed it to the boy. Moishe Pipik tossed the pungent liquid down his throat and gave a little shudder. 

Everyone was having a fine time. Uncle Morrie refilled the cap and slid it across the table back to Moishe Pipik. He also gave the boy the bag of chocolates that he had bought for him on his way home from the racetrack,  handing him the bag under the table. 

Moishe Pipik ate his fill and then some of the chicken and potatoes that his mother served that evening. He stealthily chomped down the chocolates as well. 

Moishe Pipik wobbled away from the table, quite satiated. The boy went to his room, taking the eight remaining pickles from Finklestein's Delicatessen with him. He sat in his closet, eating one pickle after another,  and thinking that it had turned out to be the absolutely best day of his life. That is, until the churning sensation in his stomach began. 

If you enjoyed this story, consider purchasing a copy of The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan. The novel is now available worldwide, wherever books are sold! 

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Zvi Baranoff has written both fiction and non fiction for decades and has had pieces published in several independent publications. The Luftmenschen of Planet Birobidzhan is his first published novel. He lives in rural southern Oregon, where he anticipates remaining for the foreseeable future.